Snarky Archies delivers rapid-fire, snarky goofy commentary about David Archuleta 24-7. We're fans of David even if we sometimes poke a little fun at him. Got some pictures, news or commentary you think we'd enjoy? E-mail us at wearethesnarkyarchies@gmail.com, or tweet us at @snarkyarchies. And don't forget to comment and immerse yourself in the glory of the Archuleta.

Friday, February 4, 2011

If David were president...

If David were president...he'd perform at his own Inagural Ball.

If David were president...he'd have his finger on the button and we'd bomb our enemies. With lavabombs of pure love that is. Peace.

If David were president... there wouldn't be a Swearing In ceremony because... he doesn't swear.

If Jesus 2.0 were president, we'd live in a utopian society! Filled with unicorns and magic rainbows and lots and lots of chocolate bunnies.

I'd eat chocolate bunnies for BREAKFAST. And thank David for it. And he'd be all 'yey, a shout out! sweet!' because he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, etc. etc.


If David were president... he'd go back to Seton and see if his first lady was somewhere in the crowd. *maybe sne's out here*

AND when David would eat HIS chocolate bunnies for breakfast, he'd have pancakes with it and say 'Imma eat you, boo' 'you look so delicious, little mama'

and it would be AWESOME.

If David were President, he would sing Imagine to all of the terrorists and they would drop their weapons. Instantly.

If David were president... 'Hail to the Chief' would be available as a ringtone.

there'd be a national movement to find David a first lady. They'd play 'Crush' and bemoan the lack of a first lady.


and then they'd throw a ball, and a mysterious beautiful stranger would rush away at midnight, leaving behind NOTHING BUT HER SHOE....


If David were President, the Oval Office would have headphones and a mic.

If David were President, the State of the Union Address would be a concert. He would sing *Be still my soul*.

Every food joint would make something in his likeness or in his honor.

David Archueggs.

They'd make puns like 'Are you PARCHuletaED? DRINK TIHS'

and it would be adorable. Happy meals would come with a David action figure, so they'd actually be HAPPY.

Everyone would have FIVE COPIES of David's album minimum. All other albums would be at one or LESS copies.

It wouldn't even be required, everyone would just DO IT.

The other branches of government would just concede all authority to David. No one would find this a breech of the Constitution, because David is the exception to EVERY RULE.

If David were president... he'd still take time to text his fans and the texts would go something like this:

'Hey everybodyyyyyy, it's President Archuleta hereeeee. This most powerful man on earth thing is keeping me crazy busy but it's soooo fun haha. I'm learning sooo much and getting to visit a lot of cool places. When I was in Honduras, I got to visit some of my mom's family and we had a fun time playing video games and just hanging out and I ate like a ton of food. I'm still working on my second album, but I have to fit it in between meetings lol. Well, that's it for now. I'll talk to you guys later haha. Peace.'

If David were president... the Pentagon would get remodeled into heart-shape

If David were president... Mount Rushmore would be renamed into Mount CRUSHmore

If David were president... Bono would weep with joy and organize the world's largest charity concert with all of David's favourite artists performing in his honour

If David were president... I'd join the Secret Service.

If David were president, there would be no need for any more elections in the future, at least while David is alive. (But then again, David shall never die, so there will be no more elections ever again. Haha.)

Peace talks would just be David talking (rambling...lots of laughing, and some random singing thrown in) while everyone looks and listens in amazement and then wonders what they were doing there in the first place. Love would be everywhere.

No need to change the name of CAMP DAVID.

Instead of the dreaded 3 am phone call, there would be 3 am texting sessions between David, Jason, and Cook.

The only Castro we'd be worried about would be Jason. (As in, when is Castro's album coming out? Geeez)

State of the Union addresses would be delivered in three languages: English, Spanish, and Love. haha

The President would be on the cover of Time and People simultaneously as 'Man of the Year' and 'The 50 Most Beautiful People'. (And after Dec. 28th, ahem, 'Sexiest Man Alive'..? Oh dear.)

Pink would write a new hit: 'Dear Mr. President, thanks for taking a walk with me...'

Pad Thai instead of turkey for Thanksgiving in the Archuleta White House.

Air Force 1 would be renamed into Angel Wings 1

Saturday Night Live become a nightly show, they'd have so much material to work with. *I'm an easy target*

Slezak from EW would 'accidentally' disappear.

David's picture would be on the dollar bill and the value of the dollar would skyrocket in Indonesia, Malyasia, the Philippines, etc.

John Mayer, Jason Mraz, and Sara Bareilles would have to play rock, paper,scissors to see who gets the Lincoln Bedroom.

... he would disappear for days and when finally found at Brooke's home would say 'oh, oops, I thought this was the White House everyone was talking about, haha!'

If David were president, we would no longer be waiting on the world to change. He would appoint the collective Snarkies as Secretaries of State, thus insuring a state of hilarity, and good will everywhere.

The annual White House Easter Egg Hunt would be a bust because the president would just tell all the kids where the eggs were hidden. Big softie.

... our neighbours would never miss a Christmas, no more ribbons on their door...

David's Secret Service code name would be Angelbaby.

...and what a wonderful world it would be... for realz!

Oh no! Another Watergate. This time it would be, 'Heyyyy! Does anyone know where I put my bottled water? I can't find it! Investigate!'

Would he use Sharpies to sign bills into law?

His weekly radio address would be #1 on Billboard...every week.
Does anyone actually listen to that? Well, they will now!!

If David were president ... we wouldn't have to pay taxes. His concerts would generate enough revenue to run the country!!!

The Presidential Seal would be a peace sign.

His Social Security package would include a hug and a CD of David ballads.

There'd be no need for war because HE'S the BOMB.

TG would be head of the CIA.

If David was elected he would say, 'Are you sure Cook didn't win because he is so awesome. Are you sure you want me!Haaaah thanks!!!

Bin Laden will turn himself in if David asks nicely.

Social Security would be that warm fuzzy blanket he was wrapped up in on the Ford commercial set. Awwwww.

Jive would finally fix his MySpace.

He would stop and smell the roses during those Rose Garden press conferences.

The new educational package would include playing 'When You Believe' (by David, of course) in schools to encourage our youth!

His cabinet would consist of the Top 10 Idol finalists.

President Archuleta, Commander-in-Chief, dressed in fatigues inspecting the troops? Why do I think female enlistment would skyrocket?

We would all have a smile on our face 24/7.

He would panic when he was told he could only choose one person to be Vice President.

He'd send a manned mission back to the moon just to paint a giant smiley face. :)

The no-swearing in ceremony will feature singing by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and an inaugural poem by Jason Mraz.

Suggested attire for the evening galas will include awesome t-shirts and funky sneakers.

The name of the nation’s capital will be changed to Washington D.A.

Press conferences would go on and on and on...partly because he rambles, partly because he wouldn't want to leave before every single reporter got their every question answered, and partly for the TV ratings numbers they'd generate.

Sometimes he'd reach across the isle just to give the partisans a high five.

His party's symbol would be the Squiggly Pig.

They would make a movie about him and that's what the poster would look like hahaha. (Click the poster for more.)

Simon Cowell would say,'I always knew that kid would be a star.'

Terrorists in training wouldn't be so angry anymore once he bought them new playground equipment to replace those worn out monkey bars.

The Queen of England would secretly hang a poster of our president above her bed.

He would balance the budget... on his little pinky.

Seriously tho, there would be no national debt with a guy who won't even pay extra luggage fees.

Cook would be the bartender at state dinners. Green jello shots for everyone! (Non-alcoholic drinks however.)

The Marine Corps band would be replaced by David's tour band. Hail to the Chief, Babyyyyy!!!!

No one would have to mow the White House lawn. Millions of tourists would pluck blades of grass and press them in their scrapbooks. awwwww

(And David's mother would be looking out the White House window going, 'Awkward! Personal space, please.')


The President's Cabinet would contain Nutter Butters.

If David were president, No Child Left Behind would be renamed No Child Left Behind, Left Out, Teased, or Made to Feel Anything Other Than Totally Amazing.

Grouchy Ray from the AI tour security would head up the Secret Service.

(But I'd join anyway.)

The bald eagle would grow hair. Just because.



I think he'd actually be less busy.

...y'all fill in the rest. Go, go gadget Archies!

P.S. This was Newangel's lovely idea. :D Let me also add that probably 70% of these are Newangel. SHE IS ON FIRE.


No comments: