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Snarky Archies delivers rapid-fire, snarky goofy commentary about David Archuleta 24-7. We're fans of David even if we sometimes poke a little fun at him. Got some pictures, news or commentary you think we'd enjoy? E-mail us at wearethesnarkyarchies@gmail.com, or tweet us at @snarkyarchies. And don't forget to comment and immerse yourself in the glory of the Archuleta.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Welcome.

We're getting a lot of referrals from various message boards and sites and I think people feel a little intimidated by our twentiness. Guys, every Archie fan is welcome here! We seriously love you all. More than you could know! Our love is like, I don't know, Mount Vesuvius, and ready to explode and cover you all in our lavabombs of pure love. Pure love! We exude love. The purpose of this site is to express our love. Do you know how much we love you? We love you! We do! Come here, give me a big hug, because YOU, you there, over there, from the Golden Archies board, or Fans of David, or MJ's blog, or Rickey's, or Loving Archie, or Archuleta Avenue, or IDF, or Noting David -- you 16-year-old, or 50-year-old, or 45-year-old, you banker or doctor or student or pharmacy technician or ice-cream truck driver -- you! You come here and let me love you, because I love you.

Did you know I love you?

I love you.

<33333

So don't be shy. Let's talk. And love. Forever. FOREVER.


ABOVE ALL: DAVID IS THE ULTIMATE BOY BAND, yes.

Friday, February 4, 2011

12 months of SnarkyArchies.com

This is SnarkyArchies.com. Welcome:

'We're getting a lot of referrals from various message boards and sites and I think people feel a little intimidated by our twentiness. Guys, every Archie fan is welcome here! We seriously love you all. More than you could know! Our love is like, I don't know, Mount Vesuvius, and ready to explode and cover you all in our lavabombs of pure love. Pure love! We exude love. The purpose of this site is to express our love. Do you know how much we love you? We love you! We do! Come here, give me a big hug, because YOU, you there, over there, from the Golden Archies board, or Fans of David, or MJ's blog, or Rickey's, or Loving Archie, or Archuleta Avenue, or IDF, or Noting David -- you 16-year-old, or 50-year-old, or 45-year-old, you banker or doctor or student or pharmacy technician or ice-cream truck driver -- you! You come here and let me love you, because I love you.

Did you know I love you?

I love you.

<33333

So don't be shy. Let's talk. And love. Forever. FOREVER.'


ABOVE ALL: DAVID IS THE ULTIMATE BOY BAND, yes.

September, 2008:
The site is born in the twilight hours of Sunday, September 14th.
Ford Day brings us publicity.
JANEY MAKES HER FIRST POST. WE LOVE US SOME JANEY, RIGHT?!
ThisIsYourMotherSpeaking makes her debut and Bam names her Mom, a name that lives on in infamy.

October, 2008:
THE GREAT STAMPEDE OF 2008.
And, oh my gosh, who can forget those Seton pics?
WE DISCOVER KATHLEEN AND KARIN AND LYNN BECAUSE DAVID IS STEALTHY LIKE A NINJA. Kathleen becomes a wifey: 'OMG, KATHLEEN, I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE THE CUTEST THING EVER. PLEASE VISIT SNARKIES AND COMMENT. SERIOUSLY.'

November, 2008:
DAVID ARCHULETA: THE ALBUM drops.
DEAR DAVID: There is no way you actually read all these (even though you totally told Julee you did in Houston). But thank you for being wonderful. And truly, you are like jelly in a world of moldy bread.
If David were PRESIDENT. 'Hey everybodyyyyyy, it's President Archuleta hereeeee. This most powerful man on earth thing is keeping me crazy busy but it's soooo fun haha.'
PAULA MAKES HER SNARKY REPORTER DEBUT. We weep with joy: 'I also have 4 more videos to share, 3 of which are of David singing along to his own songs. I was seriously elated, because we know how David is when he hears himself sing. There was nothing stopping him on that day from being completely ecstatic. You could feel it in his whole being. I have never seen him so excited and happy before.'
Team David <3 Snarkies.

December, 2008:
We do our very first Snarky contest thanks to FairyGodMother and NewAngel writes her first DavidArchie fanfic (you can see how she's progressed on MomJulee's blog).
Because Chicago is made of fail, we give you, Fourteen Miles.
Happy Birthday, David!

January, 2009:
We interview Mike K. before he became David's guitarist and it becomes THE FIRST TIME ZERO GRAVITY IS MENTIONED...
So we become the first site to post the lyrics to ZERO GRAVITY & FIGHTING FOR YOU. That is right, peeps!
David bums a SnarkyArchies sign off NewAngel and smiles like he means it (he doesn't).

Annie, who is really hot, makes David a Converse model. Yeeeeah, bb.

February, 2009:
David embarks on his first solo tour and 19,000 people flock to SnarkyArchies.com to watch.

Potato-Throwin' Palak becomes infamous.


March, 2009:
Thanks to the amazing person that is our SnarkyFairyGodMother, we send two people to Chicago to watch the concert that became Touch My Hand. (Hi, Holly! I see you there.)
As we are off frolicking in Utah, Kimberly writes to David.
Dana writes one of her many sappy love!fests.
Jenny from FOD talks to David and gives a shout out to fansites. This is the first time I heard David say 'Snarky Archies' and we all almost died.
The interview that was more trouble than it was worth. But at least some of you seemed to like it. And hey, David sang 'you are the sweetest thing' at me, so I am plenty happy. Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4.

April, 2009:
Snarkies is the first site to publicly glom to David's snarky, Twitter self. WE KNEW IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG, BB. WE COULD TELL BY THE 'is in Ohio.'

Me and Bam see David in Cleveland and it's Tulsa Revisited.

May, 2009:
Manila SnarkyArchies sign and a vlog shout out from David!!


June, 2009:
Hush cats!

And... ASTERIX IS BORN. She be fierce and comes out when she needs to do some protectin'.
Punctuation meets Snarky!David.

July, 2009:
ASTERIX GOES TO THE CINCINNATI VIP and 'David be like white chocolate bunnies, guys. He is THAT wonderful. I told him Snarkies be likin' them some bunnies in the dumb letter I writes him.' AND ASTERIX SPEAKS TO HIM: 'And, my people, I SPOKE to David Archuleta. I said maybe 10? 20? Some words.' His life be forever changeded.
Lori and cupcake make their Snarky grand entrance.

August, 2009:
David does not have a favorite Capri Sun. THANK YOU, CHELSEY.
Also, Chelsey and Brooke appear in a video on D'Arch.com.

September, 2009:
Janey makes the greatest post ever: D's bow tie is betta, snarkies says so.
We let our inner-child fly free here at Snarkies, but, uh, sometimes get carried away.
BB EXPLAINED.

If David were president...


If David were president...he'd perform at his own Inagural Ball.

If David were president...he'd have his finger on the button and we'd bomb our enemies. With lavabombs of pure love that is. Peace.

If David were president... there wouldn't be a Swearing In ceremony because... he doesn't swear.

If Jesus 2.0 were president, we'd live in a utopian society! Filled with unicorns and magic rainbows and lots and lots of chocolate bunnies.

I'd eat chocolate bunnies for BREAKFAST. And thank David for it. And he'd be all 'yey, a shout out! sweet!' because he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake, etc. etc.

HE KNOWS A LOT. IS WHAT I AM SAYING.


If David were president... he'd go back to Seton and see if his first lady was somewhere in the crowd. *maybe sne's out here*

AND when David would eat HIS chocolate bunnies for breakfast, he'd have pancakes with it and say 'Imma eat you, boo' 'you look so delicious, little mama'

and it would be AWESOME.


If David were President, he would sing Imagine to all of the terrorists and they would drop their weapons. Instantly.

If David were president... 'Hail to the Chief' would be available as a ringtone.

there'd be a national movement to find David a first lady. They'd play 'Crush' and bemoan the lack of a first lady.

The whole U.S. would be all 'OUR PRESIDENT IS ALONE AND SADFACE. WE MUST FIIIIX IT'

and then they'd throw a ball, and a mysterious beautiful stranger would rush away at midnight, leaving behind NOTHING BUT HER SHOE....

DRAMA.

If David were President, the Oval Office would have headphones and a mic.

If David were President, the State of the Union Address would be a concert. He would sing *Be still my soul*.

Every food joint would make something in his likeness or in his honor.

David Archueggs.

They'd make puns like 'Are you PARCHuletaED? DRINK TIHS'

and it would be adorable. Happy meals would come with a David action figure, so they'd actually be HAPPY.

Everyone would have FIVE COPIES of David's album minimum. All other albums would be at one or LESS copies.

It wouldn't even be required, everyone would just DO IT.

The other branches of government would just concede all authority to David. No one would find this a breech of the Constitution, because David is the exception to EVERY RULE.

If David were president... he'd still take time to text his fans and the texts would go something like this:

'Hey everybodyyyyyy, it's President Archuleta hereeeee. This most powerful man on earth thing is keeping me crazy busy but it's soooo fun haha. I'm learning sooo much and getting to visit a lot of cool places. When I was in Honduras, I got to visit some of my mom's family and we had a fun time playing video games and just hanging out and I ate like a ton of food. I'm still working on my second album, but I have to fit it in between meetings lol. Well, that's it for now. I'll talk to you guys later haha. Peace.'


If David were president... the Pentagon would get remodeled into heart-shape

If David were president... Mount Rushmore would be renamed into Mount CRUSHmore

If David were president... Bono would weep with joy and organize the world's largest charity concert with all of David's favourite artists performing in his honour

If David were president... I'd join the Secret Service.

If David were president, there would be no need for any more elections in the future, at least while David is alive. (But then again, David shall never die, so there will be no more elections ever again. Haha.)

Peace talks would just be David talking (rambling...lots of laughing, and some random singing thrown in) while everyone looks and listens in amazement and then wonders what they were doing there in the first place. Love would be everywhere.

No need to change the name of CAMP DAVID.

Instead of the dreaded 3 am phone call, there would be 3 am texting sessions between David, Jason, and Cook.

The only Castro we'd be worried about would be Jason. (As in, when is Castro's album coming out? Geeez)

State of the Union addresses would be delivered in three languages: English, Spanish, and Love. haha

The President would be on the cover of Time and People simultaneously as 'Man of the Year' and 'The 50 Most Beautiful People'. (And after Dec. 28th, ahem, 'Sexiest Man Alive'..? Oh dear.)

Pink would write a new hit: 'Dear Mr. President, thanks for taking a walk with me...'

Pad Thai instead of turkey for Thanksgiving in the Archuleta White House.

Air Force 1 would be renamed into Angel Wings 1

Saturday Night Live become a nightly show, they'd have so much material to work with. *I'm an easy target*

Slezak from EW would 'accidentally' disappear.

David's picture would be on the dollar bill and the value of the dollar would skyrocket in Indonesia, Malyasia, the Philippines, etc.

John Mayer, Jason Mraz, and Sara Bareilles would have to play rock, paper,scissors to see who gets the Lincoln Bedroom.

... he would disappear for days and when finally found at Brooke's home would say 'oh, oops, I thought this was the White House everyone was talking about, haha!'

If David were president, we would no longer be waiting on the world to change. He would appoint the collective Snarkies as Secretaries of State, thus insuring a state of hilarity, and good will everywhere.

The annual White House Easter Egg Hunt would be a bust because the president would just tell all the kids where the eggs were hidden. Big softie.

... our neighbours would never miss a Christmas, no more ribbons on their door...

David's Secret Service code name would be Angelbaby.

...and what a wonderful world it would be... for realz!

Oh no! Another Watergate. This time it would be, 'Heyyyy! Does anyone know where I put my bottled water? I can't find it! Investigate!'

Would he use Sharpies to sign bills into law?

His weekly radio address would be #1 on Billboard...every week.
Does anyone actually listen to that? Well, they will now!!

If David were president ... we wouldn't have to pay taxes. His concerts would generate enough revenue to run the country!!!

The Presidential Seal would be a peace sign.

His Social Security package would include a hug and a CD of David ballads.

There'd be no need for war because HE'S the BOMB.

TG would be head of the CIA.

If David was elected he would say, 'Are you sure Cook didn't win because he is so awesome. Are you sure you want me!Haaaah thanks!!!

Bin Laden will turn himself in if David asks nicely.

Social Security would be that warm fuzzy blanket he was wrapped up in on the Ford commercial set. Awwwww.

Jive would finally fix his MySpace.

He would stop and smell the roses during those Rose Garden press conferences.

The new educational package would include playing 'When You Believe' (by David, of course) in schools to encourage our youth!

His cabinet would consist of the Top 10 Idol finalists.

President Archuleta, Commander-in-Chief, dressed in fatigues inspecting the troops? Why do I think female enlistment would skyrocket?

We would all have a smile on our face 24/7.

He would panic when he was told he could only choose one person to be Vice President.

He'd send a manned mission back to the moon just to paint a giant smiley face. :)

The no-swearing in ceremony will feature singing by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and an inaugural poem by Jason Mraz.

Suggested attire for the evening galas will include awesome t-shirts and funky sneakers.

The name of the nation’s capital will be changed to Washington D.A.

Press conferences would go on and on and on...partly because he rambles, partly because he wouldn't want to leave before every single reporter got their every question answered, and partly for the TV ratings numbers they'd generate.

Sometimes he'd reach across the isle just to give the partisans a high five.

His party's symbol would be the Squiggly Pig.

They would make a movie about him and that's what the poster would look like hahaha. (Click the poster for more.)


>
Simon Cowell would say,'I always knew that kid would be a star.'

Terrorists in training wouldn't be so angry anymore once he bought them new playground equipment to replace those worn out monkey bars.

The Queen of England would secretly hang a poster of our president above her bed.

He would balance the budget... on his little pinky.

Seriously tho, there would be no national debt with a guy who won't even pay extra luggage fees.


Cook would be the bartender at state dinners. Green jello shots for everyone! (Non-alcoholic drinks however.)

The Marine Corps band would be replaced by David's tour band. Hail to the Chief, Babyyyyy!!!!

No one would have to mow the White House lawn. Millions of tourists would pluck blades of grass and press them in their scrapbooks. awwwww

(And David's mother would be looking out the White House window going, 'Awkward! Personal space, please.')

AND TO HELP MAKE THIS DREAM HAPPEN, PRI HAS PROVIDED CAMPAIGN POSTERS:




The President's Cabinet would contain Nutter Butters.

If David were president, No Child Left Behind would be renamed No Child Left Behind, Left Out, Teased, or Made to Feel Anything Other Than Totally Amazing.

Grouchy Ray from the AI tour security would head up the Secret Service.

(But I'd join anyway.)

The bald eagle would grow hair. Just because.

AND FINALLY...

IF DAVID ARCHULETA WERE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA...

I think he'd actually be less busy.


...y'all fill in the rest. Go, go gadget Archies!

P.S. This was Newangel's lovely idea. :D Let me also add that probably 70% of these are Newangel. SHE IS ON FIRE.

AMAZING GRAPHICS BY SCOOPK AND ANNIE AND BEEBEE. HEARTS ALL OVER THE WORLD TONIGHT.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

DAVIDSLIST: Got something? Need something?

Here's the spot to buy and sell tickets!

SO THE POINT OF THIS POST IS A DAVID 'CRAIGSLIST' -- you know, the online classifieds where you can find cheap furniture, or a roommate, or tickets?

Here, you can find a concert-mate, or sell your ticket, or whatever else comes to mind. Say what you need in the comments, and we'll try to update the post daily to advertise for you -- and those who want what you're offering can either comment back, and snatch up the ticket, or e-mail you.

This is FREE DAVID ADVERTISING. This post will be stickied in the navigation bar at the top of Snarkies. :)

Getting rid of:

In need of: